Today

The mornings feel thick. By mornings, I mean early afternoon and by thick I mean that the air looms over me. So expectant of something, anything and I am almost certain I will disappoint as I roll over and shut my eyes again. I don’t sleep but I lay there until I cannot ignore the pressure around me. Unsaid but there. I see it as shadows in my peripheral. The same way I do when I am walking home when I shouldn’t be. When it is too late and too dark but there I am on the street alone. I should be running to my door but I am feigning leisure, like perhaps everything is in my head but it is not. Maybe I will do something. 
Deciding what to do is the crux of the problem. There is so much to do on days when nothing demands to be done. It crushes me more than the pressure of getting to this point does. I am overwhelmed and my limbs are waving around me hoping they have stumbled upon something to do before my brain has. They have not. I settle on tidying something. My room. Myself. Both if I can somehow find the motivation I know lurks somewhere. Perhaps I will sweep it up from under the bed or find it in the hamper. 
It’s hard to look back on that like it was anything. While I did it today and not yesterday, I should do it everyday, I think I did before. Or perhaps working took up that time. The time to think about what productivity can mean when I am not earning money each hour I pour into it. I will take today and whatever is done in the name of productivity and I will try not to think. I will try not to compare and then perhaps my days will not melt together anymore. Maybe I won’t be lost in the couch where time is only marked by the beginning and end of whatever is on the screen in front of me. Maybe I will be normal, at least as normal as before.